@KalvinMacleod

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

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@LaqueefaTeen

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

@SteveKoehler22

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

@clichedout

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

@peteholmes

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

@KyleMakesStufUp

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@LFdiepretty

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.