ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
oh my gosh!!
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.