Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.