Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
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Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do