Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.