Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
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If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
What the dentist sees
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.