Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.