me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
You Might Also Like
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.