Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
You Might Also Like
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Smells like a challenge to me
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!