me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I hate my earbuds.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
All is fair in drunk and war.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Miscakes
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…