ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…