Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.