Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
You Might Also Like
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.