Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*