ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
good let them take over I have had enough
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Is this a threat?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay