Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
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Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
You are not alone 💚
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW