me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
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Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Google Pay be like:
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory