me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
best first i’ve ever seen
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.