me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
They got a point!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.