Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.