Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.