Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
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In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Every work call, he judges.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”