me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.