me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
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I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
i wish i could marry a nap
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen