me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
This is not me but this is me
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY