[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.