Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.