ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight