me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best