Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
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You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked