ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today