@JimmerThatisAll I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
@daemonic3 ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
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@JimmerThatisAll 
@cravin4 I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
@primawesome I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
@_radsy ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
@AngryRaccoon2 If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
@KazHiraiCEO Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
@lmegordon My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
@weinerdog4life I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
@KalvinMacleod MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
@dave_cactus [sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?