Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
okay run it by me one more time
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.