Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Monica just destroyed the internet