Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
That’s classic.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?