me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.