Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Ghost costume 😂
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.