Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.