Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
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when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
do u think theres a butter planet?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets