Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.