Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Choose your fighter
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Fidel Castro was alive?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge