ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m not proud
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
it must be school picture day
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.