me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
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If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.