Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?