me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
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I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license