Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
yea so i messed up lol
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.