Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different