ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”