ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
💁🏻♂️
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”