Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
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Happy Halloween 🎃
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value