ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
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Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Butt weight. There’s more!
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.