me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
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My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…