Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.