Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.