me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.